and much to me own dismay Oi might add at the 32nd UNEXPECTED PARTY. Me uncle the famous Professor Gosanee insisted OI return and make amends for the poor showing at last year's gala event.

It seems once again you people felt the need to complain about my jokes. A very sensitive lot you folk.

Please understand that it's very much against me nature to insult such a fine group of hobbits or whatever the hell it is you claim to be.

But in honor of me uncle here oi am. Once again to ponder some philosophical questions regarding this fine institution.

And once again I've done some amazing research into the folk, the place and the unusual habits of you unusual hobbits.

I do have one philosophical question that's been puzzling me for the last few years. I've tried to answer the question meself but I can't

"Where do you people take a sh-it around here?" Oi mean oi been looking all over and I just can't find it. You people have been coming here for over 30 years bringing grills, tents, kegs, food, music, generators, lights and no one ever considered that someone might have to take a shyt.

Oi know Pat found a wee little tree in which to take a pee but I can't find any trees that'll hide my big ass. And please don't tell me to use that little white house up there. I saw a two headed animal come out of that toxic dump. The worse thing was one head looked like Tit and the other looked like Sikorski.

I even asked Jerry… Jerry I says, where do you take a sh-it when your up here.. he looks me in the eye and says "I DON'T".. You don't… I says.. You just ate 10 lbs of fk…..g speidis and 14 hot dogs and you don't have to sh-it.

You people have an unbelievable constitution. I certainly know the first thing you do when you get home. Hell Layne & Sandi can find a place to screw and I can't find a place to take a sh-it.

And So oi pondered… what is it about McGraw that gives people this unbelievable ability to hold it in…to bear and grin,

O Oi know there's plenty of farting going on so apparently you people are a bunch of big time gamblers.

Here's what I found…. McGraw is the strong hold of the Republican party in beautiful Blue state of NY. The citizens here feel trapped because they have a red state mentality dead center in the middle of a blue state. Now; so I don't offend anybody…..which I would never do

Is there anyone here that lives in a RED State. I thought not… because once again I would never being sayin things that might offend you.

How do I know McGraw has this red state mentality you ask……When the good Lord said teeth the people of McGraw thought he said feet so they only wanted two and thus they been trying ever sence to figure out why they have an extra tooth. One would have been plenty to open a beer can with.

I knew this was in red state area last night when I called the McGraw hotel clerk and said "I gotta leak in the sink" and he said " No problem, go ahead".

Did you know that the sweet droplets of moisture between a McGraw couple making love is called… Relative Humidity.

Here's some examples of this red state mentality…things you very well may hear said in McGraw versus some things you'd never hear uttered in McGraw. First here's some things you would never hear said in McGraw:

1. "Duct tape won't fix that"

2. " No kids in the back of the pick-up, honey bun; it's just not safe"

3. "Heah Honey, Here's an episode of Hew Haw we never seen before

4. " I think professional wrestling is fake"

5. "No more for me, I'm drivin tonight"

6. "She's too young to be wearin a bikini"

7. " I'll take Shakespeare for 1000 Alex"

8. "No thank you, we're vegetarians"

9. "Checkmate"

10. "Honey, did you mail the donation to Greenpeace"

11. "I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today"

12. "Bill Clinton was such a great president I'm voting for Hillary next time"

However; You would definitely hear these statements made in McGraw

1. " Honey, we need a new Hefty Bag for the passenger side window"

2. "Honey every child needs a little pet, let's get Bobby Joe a chicken"

3. "I think one more deer head in the living room would be nice "

4. "Honey, The Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than you do"

5. "I wonder how the gas stations keeps their bathroom so clean"

6. "It's almost Thanksgiving, which pet should we eat this year"

7. "me daughter was eight before she was seven"

8. "Honey when can we take the crime scene tape off the front porch"

9. "The last words of my dear departed brother was, "Hey watch this"

10. right after sex…" Get off me Daddy you're crushing my smokes"

11. "No I've never had sex, me little sister is faster than me"

12. "I lit a match in the bathroom the other day and blew my house clean off it's wheels"

13. After a brother and sister have sex the very first time: Sister says… "Wow your as good as Dad" Brother says… "Yeah that's what Mom says"

14. "Let's do it doggy style so we can both watch Nascar". And finally one that proves me point………….

15. " I take a shiyt only once a year… on election day

*************************************************************************************************************************

Any way it's on with the show………….Me uncle says I can't stand up here too long talking about McGraw. He says I need to do something relevant for the UNEXPECTED PARTY… And this is difficult cause you people just don't appreciate my classes. I've been studying you Americans for several years and I taken notice of what you watch on the tele. These reality shows.. Survivor, Bachelor, The Apprentice…. And so I thought we'd do one of our own…

Called The Professor's Apprentice..

Oi sure me uncle would have nothing to do with it so here oi am. Which one of you people should fill in if Professor needs assistance. Which one of you are the most valuable to the UNEXPECTED PARTY. I can only use your past accomplishments and contributions. And oi've grouped those together and we're combining all 32 years into one show.

And now the candidates:

Sam the dentist man: He's been coming for over 5 years now and he's a great guitar player with an excellent wit about him. He's a dentist by trade Un fortunately he's not a very good dentist but he did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last nite, so if you've got any problems.. open wide and drop your pants he'll either fix your teeth or do a dance… Sam Oim sorry but GFY

Gloria: Tis a honor to have you here once again but Gloria for Chris sakes lay off the tequila this year.. No one in McGraw knows the number to 911. GFY

Danny: Danny boy, the young Irish- Jewish boy.. Although his dear mother wanted an Irish boy she didn't want one that grew Unexpected Party playing with dolls. For 10 yrs. Danny brought a different Barbie Doll to the Unexpected Party and for that oi must say… GFY

Vivian: Being not sure if it was you or his heart attack that settled Danny down, Oi have no choice but to say GFY

Marie: What a wonderful job you've done on our anniversary hats, shirts etc in the past… and you're chicken chili has also been great… but you had a choice (Humps or Henry) and you chose Henry and there's been a spedie shortage ever since so GFY

Henry: OK, Henry you've been wrongly accused of eating beyond your share of speidies and I know you deny it and I know that last year to didn't eat any just to prove a point. It really doesn't matter… once the professor says it.. it becomes a fact & you may as well do it. You'll be blamed anyway… so take time out from the grill and GFY. While your F Y maybe the rest of us will get to have a speidie.

Bubble Boy: Formerly known as the marble boy until he lost them all… last year he says to me. Shamus I never lost me marbles… I never had any to begin with. So Bubble boy, marble boy or whatever the f you are GFY

Frank: Dear Frodo, a great drummer who never missed a party and never came to a party without forgetting something important. For no other reason except you do this all the time anyway. Frank…. GFY and by the way Frank when your done GFY again.

Debbie C: For no other reason except your husband is doing this all the time anyway… try it ,,,,,, you might like Debbie GFY

Lester: For attemptin to take Duane's place at the UNEXPECTED PARTY and well as taking Duane place in Cheech'es life… GFY

Scott: The webmaster, and it is great service to the party but prior to that Scott oi can't forget your singin… For thinkin we all yelled encore when in fact we were yelling NO MORE………. Scott, very quietly please…. GFY

Cathy S.: Although you won the speide contest in 1987 and no one can figure out how, except you disappeared with the judges for 10 minutes and they all returned with a smile (if you know what oi mean)… you just cant understand why you weren't able to follow Unexpected Party the victory Unexpected Party by learning the trade of the kitchen.. Cathy Darling you'll never be able to cook properly with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other & until you learn to flip your flap jacks with your TTS Im afraid it's useless. So my dear Cathy GFY BTW.. if you do learn that trick please invite me over, oi love breakfast.. if you know what oi mean

Jimmy Sutton: You were in the running when you unplugged Tits piano two years ago but those pictures you took a McGraw actually makes this place look too good and we can't have that can we. So Jimmy GFY

Uncle Ray: I love talking to you Ray but I don't know what the f your talking about. So more a playin and less a talkin . And until then, I guess you'll be falkin… yourself sorry Ray GFY

Elaine: I love your enthusiasm but your not as graceful as you used to be. Those are my feet you've been stomping on the last coUnexpected Partyle years. You know the louder Ray plays the Harmonica the harder Elaine stomps her feet and my feet can't take it anymore so Elaine GFY

Tit: Never missing a UNEXPECTED PARTY is huge and Tit & The Knockers is even huger… but for 8 straight years you berated the great Irish American Bill Clinton. In fact you felt he should be impeached for a harmless BJ. But your president Bush has F 80 million people and you haven't said a word. So for Bill Clinton and the great blue state on NY….Tit GFY

Noreen: I know you sick of hearing about your 3 tts but having an odd number of tts at the unexpected party really throws everything off kilter. I just can't get me bearings… so nordy GFY

Paul: realize that this is one of those things that you just don't do But Paul GFY.

Mary Lou: It great you were able to come this year but anyone that only comes every two years should really GFY………. And if you really want to come more often just let me know, if you know what oi mean.

Mike: You've been braggin about having the perfect woman for years but you haven't brought her to the party yet.. I'm beginning to doubt your word, in fact you're a fking lier… GFY

David: You've been showin up at the UNEXPECTED PARTY for a couple of decades now. And for the first 10 years I couldn't remember your name. I know you spend a lot of time in that camper up there with Debbie Gold and if you not pleasuring her I hope you at least pleasuring yourself…. In case it's not either… GFY

Dennis: Ole McDonald had a farm E I-E I-fuking O and on this farm I'm sure he found a place to take a sht. For showin up the old lady who swallowed a fly last year……Dennis…….GFY

Eileen: In deed you're the most talented member of the Unexpected Party Players.. but indeed that's not saying a lot… so GFY

Tommy R: Tell me Tommy. Have you got engaged, married and divorced yet this year.. GFY

Clair: For bringing that miserable bastard with you all those years GFY

Johnny S: A fine Bilbo Baggins. But for years you've been restin on your laurels John. My investigation has revealed that you haven't actually danced balls naked in over 15 years. So until you do John GFY

Jerry: I've got some great news.. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to GEICO. Actually if anyone out there hates their insurance man, or mistrusts their insurance man or if you insurance man is fkg your wife you might want to call jerry. He can do all those things… just as good and he's a friend. Anyway Jerry//// GFY

Sharon: We just love the way you've fixed Unexpected Party the cabin. I understand there doing a spread on it in McGraw's House & Garden magazine….But those material things just don't impress me so Sharon… GFY

Pat: About the wee little tree and couldn't hide a flea… I was down there and it's disgustin. There's a little pond down there behind that tree. It's called Pat's Pee Pond and it's 5 parts slammar and 5 parts seeman of somyoung guy. I don't see any Asians around so I'm assuming it's your PEE. (congratulatyions by the way for finding some young guy) Actually the wee little tree said to me.. Shamus, please save me, cut me down and throw me in the f ing fire I can't stand it anymore…. So oi so sorry but Pat GFY

Pete: Only the unexpected party can separate two Greek brothers and so in the absence of George…. GFY

Layne: You didn't think Oid miss you did you… There's more DNA on that tree Unexpected Party there than there was on OJ's bloody gloves. So for a bit of a change & for your own good go FY

Sandi: Sandi dear, you might try it yourself ………..FY that is… the change might do you some good…. The plant life would appreciate too

This brings us to the the final two candidates.

Who will be The Professors apprentice?

Debbie Gold or Mary Gosney ?

Debbie: Now for over 20 years Oi sure we've all noticed that Debbie has been bringing the biggest tts to the Unexpected Party and that's no small teat oi mean (Feat) and it's worth mentioning and it hasn't been over looked. In fact it's has been thououghly looked over, if you know what oi mean. Poor Debbie can't figure out why no one looks her in the eye.

Mary: Then there's Mary darling… Lovely Mary, she's made great contributions to the party. In 25 years she's brought well over 1000 lbs. of Speidies, and brought smiles to all our faces. She must be a saint She married a man who cut a frt in South JerSey over 20 years ago that their still talking about. Well ladies it's time to announce the winner……. I can't tell Mary to GFH she doesn't have the time, she's to busy Fkg the big guy, if you know what Oi mean. And so Debbie oi must say GFY…

Now Mary Darling, as the professor's apprentice OIm sure you'll do as instructed at all times and I know the Professor has some very special projects for you. (If you know what Oi mean…. And By the way.. Debbie, if for any reason Mary can't perform her duties as the Professors Apprentice the duties will fall to you as the runner up. Iom sure you'll be ready at a moments notice. An now without further fanfare it's time for me to relinquish the stage, I'll be up there on top of the hill. And Guess what oi'll be doing. Oh yes Fckng Mslf And ladies if you please, I could use a hand, if you know what oi mean.

COMEBACK PLAYER (OF THE YEAR): John Jacobs - Glad to have you back -